KEY#17: THE POWER OF PERSONAL CONNECTIONS

Microsoft’s manager and ex-wife of its co-founder, Melinda Gates, understood the importance of this key when she said: “Deep human connection is the purpose and the result of a meaningful life – and it will inspire the most amazing acts of love, generosity and humanity.” This 17^th key of personal empowerment (or becoming the best version of yourself) in this non-academic series is crucial in living a life in abundance. Whether you consider yourself to be an introvert or extrovert, personal connections are one of our basic needs, as are food and shelter. Let’s look at why I prefer the word connections over relationships, their importance as well as the danger of a lack thereof.

The definition of CONNECTION

Although the term can relate to romantic relations of course, it’s not what this article is about. When I think about connection, the following description comes to mind: a genuine, deep, authentic bond between two people where both feel seen, heard and understood. You must realize that true connections are rare. Consider yourself blessed if you have more than three people you connect with on this level. I’m not talking about superficial “Hallo, how are you?” relationships. For extroverts, those kinds of relationships abound. No, a genuine connection is a safe space where all masks can come off.

Let’s talk about relationships versus connections:

Think about it: have you ever been in a room full of people and yet felt lonely? Maybe you are married, but still can’t shake off the loneliness. That’s actually very normal. The explanation is that you probably have several relationships, but little or no true connections.

4 Main types of CONNECTIONS

• Connections with family, friends and / or work colleagues
• Romantic connections
• Connection with self
• Spiritual connection

Why are genuine connections so rare?

In general, I’m not keen on conveniently blaming every bad habit on the COVID19 pandemic. But when it comes to personal connections, or more likely the lack thereof, I can in all honesty say I believe the pandemic had a devastating effect on relationships, as well as genuine connections. Initially, the fear of infection and various national lockdown laws prevented personal contact. We were all instructed to hide away in our homes, isolating ourselves and / or our families. And then afterwards, when the world slowly returned to the new normal, alternative solutions to face-to-face contact (for example online meeting platforms and online shopping) replaced old-fashioned get-togethers. And for most of us it’s a very convenient alternative, saving time, fuel and effort. If we’re not careful though, the next generation (Gen Alpha’s) sole idea of connection will be limited to wi-fi, DSL or fibre-optic… ouch!

Connection with self

It’s always a good idea to start with looking at the connection you have with yourself, or your self-esteem, first.  What does your internal self-talk sound like? Do you use kind words, or do you talk to yourself like a bully? Do you have patience with your short-comings? Do you love yourself unconditionally?

If your self-esteem is healthy and positive, you will tend to be a more likeable person with genuine, deep connections with others. Unconditional self-acceptance and not comparing yourself to others stems from a healthy self-esteem.  These personal attributes assist in building strong connections with others.

If you struggle with low self-esteem you should return to Key #4 and revisit the importance of a positive self-esteem. Follow the tips in that article, and you will see results in your personal connections with others.

For the believer – Spiritual Connection

When God created man, He soon realized that it’s not good for man to be alone. So He created a companion. And soon the earth was full of people that could be connected to each other. Humans were created as social beings by a relationship God. First of all He wants to gift us with being in a relationship with God (thank you Jesus!), but also in different relationships with one another. Or rather: deeply connected with Him as well as with one another. When we turn down this gift, we open ourselves up to loneliness and the devastating effects of this negative emotion.

Yes, there are times when you may feel far from God, but that’s all it is: a feeling. It’s not the truth. Because when you confess Jesus as your Savior, God’s Spirit lives inside you – closer than your own heartbeat. Next time when you feel far from God, meditate on this truth until you feel closer to God again. That was His intention from the moment He created you! He promised never to leave, nor forsake you which is another truth (Heb 13:5).

The lack of personal connections

I’ve mentioned loneliness before, but I want to park there for a while now, as that emotion is a real life-in-abundance killer. As you can imagine, a lack of personal connections on the long run can lead to prolonged feelings of loneliness. Loneliness is very damaging to your mental health. And while you are in that mental unhealthy state, you avoid people and things you usually enjoy. Avoiding people…. well, leads to more lack of connections, more loneliness, and round and round you spiral downwards until you can slip into the so-called Big Black Hole if you’re not mindful.

The devastating effects of loneliness

Although many of us feel lonely from time to time, being alone is not the same as loneliness. Introverts recharge from being alone; they feel content without much contact with other people. That is healthy and normal. Loneliness, on the other hand, is a severe, chronic feeling of emptiness. Of feeling your needs for intimacy and companionship are not being met over a long period of time.

Ironically enough, in March 2020, just as the world prepared for COVID19 lockdowns and isolation, some interesting and relevant research results were made public. Research conducted by neuroscientists over the past three years has found that loneliness triggers the same neural responses in the brain as hunger or thirst, and is just as strong. This means a lonely person’s cravings for companionship can become as strong as a starving person’s cravings for food. Hectic! But there’s more. Take a look at some of the negative effects a lack of personal connections can bring:

• Increase stress
• Increase symptoms of depression and anxiety
• Contribute to low self-esteem
• Increase insomnia
• Weakens the immune system
• Decreases empathy and altruism
• Decrease mindfulness, allowing you to engage in future anticipation anxiety
• Increase emotional eating and weight gain
• Increase cynical hostility and pessimism

Tips on building a personal connection

IMPORTANT: Identify who you want to build connections with. You don’t want to run around baring your soul to anyone who is willing to listen, or who happens to be in the “right” place at the “right” time. Choose one or two potential trustworthy candidates. Remember, having connections are time consuming. Limit them in the beginning until you are sure you have time to invest in more connections.

Be honest. If you’re having a bad day, it’s okay to answer: “Not good today” when asked how you are. You’ll soon know whether the question was asked out of habit, or with real interest. Tip: you’ll want to build connections with someone who shows interest in your answer.

Be vulnerable. Admitting your loneliness might seem like a daunting step, but take heart. You might be surprised to find like-minded individuals who know exactly how you’re feeling!

Be attentive. Flip side of the coin: listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Look at the body language. Make a mental note to remember to follow-up in the future on a distress somebody shares with you.

Volunteer. Not only is it good for your mental health by decreasing symptoms of depression and anxiety, it’s also a great opportunity to build new relationships which can ultimately lead to connections.

Spend some time with animals. It’s a quick fix for loneliness, but not a long term solution. If you have a pet, great! If not, do research and find a city farm / petshop / animal shelter / petting zoo that allow visitors. I know horses are magical with reading human emotions; that would be first prize if you can interact with a horse. But cats and dogs make out pretty awesome companions as well.

Avoid social-media. Rubbing your nose in the rest of the world’s happy memories / good times / achievements / successes / prosperity is not at all beneficial when fighting loneliness. I do realize there are awesome supportive groups that offer help to a lot of people. If you can manage to only visit those groups and not compare yourself to the rest, go for it! Otherwise, stay clear of social media until you’ve build a genuine, real-life connection.

Increase your emotional intelligence (EQ). Controlling your emotions rather than be controlled by your emotions will make you a more likeable person to be around with. Read my article for more information and tips on EQ.

Take it slow. Be patient with yourself. When you are drowning in loneliness, the mere thought of talking to anybody can be very overwhelming. Don’t rush it; you might put people off by bombarding them with your connection needs anyway, so TAKE IT SLOW! But do move forward, one step at a time.

I realize building connections are tough for a shy person. If you struggle with loneliness as well, following the tips in this article might be very hard and overwhelming for you. But don’t despair! The 20-hour virtual online Transformation Coaching System™ that I use is just what you need. As soon as you drop your mental and emotional baggage, you will Travel Lightly through life with renewed confidence to strike up a conversation with anybody you want to build a connection with. Send me an email today to book your free session!

Contact me TODAY for a free 30 min online Session!

I am a certified Transformation Life Coach operating in Riebeek Kasteel, Western Cape of South Africa. I also do virtual online life coaching sessions, so no matter where you are situated, all you need is an internet connection, a mobile phone or computer, and a space where you can meet with me uninterruptedly once a week for two hours.

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The next key #18 to personal empowerment (becoming the best version of yourself) is the POWER OF EXCELLENCE.