Writing this article took considerably longer than all the previous ones. I must confess: I struggled a lot with this key, the power of self esteem. There is so much confusing information and contradicting opinions in different resources available on this subject, that I realised this must surely be an important key. And I desperately wanted to find the right words to convey the role that a positive self-esteem plays in becoming the best version of yourself.
Dangers of Negative Self Esteem
To catch your attention, let’s first look at the dangers of a negative self-esteem:
A negative self-esteem usually leads to a lot of internal doubts and inner conflict, negative thoughts and concerns; all which make your life miserable. This again leads to feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, symptoms of depression and anxiety, causing you to feel stuck in your current situation. The lack of confidence which results from a negative self-esteem makes it impossible to move forward towards your goals and dreams. That is, if you still have any goals and dreams left.
Why is Positive Self Esteem Important?
A positive self-esteem is therefore crucial in living a happy, purposeful life, and being a pleasant, content human being whose company people enjoy. It determines the rate of success you will achieve, it keeps you motivated, and it directly influences your choices. Furthermore, building a positive self-esteem is a successful habit that creates freedom. Freedom to take bigger risks, to explore the world with confidence, and the freedom to experience a life in abundance.
Fortunately, self-esteem is not formed, and then set in stone for life. It can be rebuild and improved upon. But what exactly is meant by the term: self-esteem? We can define self-esteem as a general term describing how you think, feel or what you believe about yourself. How you value yourself. What kind of person do you think you are? Now here’s the thing: Your perception is your projection. In other words, what you think, feel and believe about yourself, are what you broadcast to the people around you, and that influences the way they see, believe, think, and feel about you. Imagine that?! By changing your self-esteem, you have the power to change the way other people see you! Later in the article, I will give you some practical tips I discovered on how to change your self-esteem.
Four Components of Self-Esteem
Let’s first look at four major components of self-esteem: self-image, self-love, self-acceptance and self-confidence.
Self-image:
This is how you see yourself, your appearance, how you think about yourself, and how you believe others see and think about you. Your self-image can therefore be based on inaccurate or false thoughts. Your current image can also be adjusted by changing your thoughts about yourself.
By changing your thoughts, you change your perception of self, therefore also what you project to those around you. Let me give you an example: ever seen someone in a swimsuit on the beach with a less than perfect body, but still pulling it off? That is because she thinks she’s beautiful, and that’s the image she’s projecting to the world. Fascinating, right?
Self-love:
Quite self-explanatory. Do you enjoy spending time with yourself? Meaning, do you enjoy your own company? If yes, is your love towards yourself conditional, depending on your achievements or praise from others, or is it unconditional? Or do you physically harm yourself to numb the emotional pain?
Being overweight due to emotional eating is also a form of self-harm. For the believer: What does the love you have towards your neighbour looks like? Is it unconditional, meaning expecting nothing back in return, or do you “bite and devour one another”? (Gal 5:14-15). Just look at your social media comments on controversial topics. Your self-love determines your love towards others, as we are instructed to love our neighbour as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31).
Self-acceptance:
Your ability to completely accept all your attributes – positive and negative. When you accept yourself unconditionally, you do not need to turn a blind eye. You recognise and acknowledge your weaknesses and imperfections, and allow them to be there. You don’t wait until you’ve transformed all your weaknesses or changed all your bad habits before you accept yourself. You realise and accept that perfection doesn’t exist, and that it’s OK.
Needless to say, very few people accept themselves unconditionally. From what I’m learning about the liberty of self-acceptance, this could have been a key on its own. I definitely want to write another article once I’ve finished with the remaining 16 keys, as this paragraph is only the tip of the iceberg.
Self-confidence:
Defined as a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgement. It’s actually more than a feeling: it’s an aura, an attitude that you have a sense of control in your life. Confidence, or the lack thereof, physically affects your posture, making it the only one of the four components that might be visible from the outside.
For the believers: Putting your trust in Jesus, trusting that His Holy Spirit is working in you for your good and for God’s glory is where the believer finds his / her confidence, and not in the self. I like to call it Holy-confidence. It stems from an intimate relationship with God, and does not depend on your abilities, qualities or performances, but purely on the goodness of God. And that makes it a very permanent, eternal kind of unwavering confidence.
Types of Self-esteem
Self-esteem can be categorized into 3 main types, or levels:
Low self-esteem:
Your sense of self-worth and confidence are below average. You don’t have any faith in your own abilities, and you don’t recognize your gifts and talents. You don’t believe you are destined to live a normal, happy life, let alone a life in abundance. The effects of a low self-esteem are destructive, and include poor relationships, addictions, depression and anxiety. For the believers: This is surely also not a Biblical view to have of one’s self, as we were created in the image of God (Gen 1:26), and only a little lower than the angels (Ps 8:5). When we live closer to God, we realise that living our lives with a positive self-esteem give Him all the glory.
High self-esteem:
You love and accept yourself. You believe in your abilities. You are up for new challenges, and always ready to learn new things. You have enough confidence to allow yourself to make mistakes, and to learn from them. You are pleasant to be around with, and normally have lots of friends. You can put others’ needs and desires before your own without feeling any resentment towards them, and without any expectations.
Inflated self-esteem:
You make no secret of believing you are better than others. You see no problem in hurting people to achieve success. You are a master at blame-shifting, and do not ever accept responsibility for any mistake made, and you don’t acknowledge that you need to change bad habits. You brag about your accomplishments in order to hide any incompetence. You have a fear of rejection.
For the believers: This is what the Bible warns us against in many scriptures, among others in Rom 12:3 – Biblical or spiritual arrogance.
I found 15 tips to help rebuild your self-esteem from low to high.
(Forgive me for assuming that if you suffer from an inflated self-esteem, you probably won’t be reading this article)
1. Stop comparing yourself to others. We are naturally competitive beings, so that never ends well if we look at social media and compare our lives to the glamorous lives of others.
2. Stop worrying about other’s opinions. You won’t (and can’t) please everyone, anyway.
3. Allow yourself to make mistakes. You MAKE a mistake. You ARE NOT a mistake.
4. Learn from your mistakes. Even if you only learn how not to do something, you still learned.
5. Decide on what you want to base your identity on. Remember: your value doesn’t lie in how your body looks.
6. Analyse and process your fears. Adapt a new motto: Do it afraid!
7. Trust yourself to make good, thoughtful decisions for yourself.
8. Take every opportunity life presents or create your own. Refer to the motto in point 6. Increase your mindfulness and be present in the moment to seize opportunities.
9. Feel pain and joy as fully as you can. Allow both emotions to be there; don’t resist the pain.
10. Exercise boldness in public. Start in front of your mirror, and progress from there.
11. See the beauty in simple things. Cultivate the awe emotion. Whether it’s in nature or the way your body works, or a friendly face.
12. Learn to laugh at yourself. Life is serious enough, lighten up a little! If you struggle, enroll for laughter yoga classes (Yes that really is a thing, Google it if you don’t believe me!)
13. Be kind to yourself. Pay attention to your internal self-talk. Stop criticizing and judging yourself.
14. Tell someone close to you one attribute you admire about him or her.
15. Accept compliments. Look the giver in the eye, and say “Thank you”. That’s it. No buts, no denials, just: “Thank you”. It gets easier the more you do it.
The Power of Self-Esteem for the believers:
At this point, it’s very important for us to take a step back, and take a look at what the Word says. David says we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 139:14). In Eph 1:4 God Himself says He chose (Hand-picked) us to be holy and blameless before Him, He predestined and lovingly planned for us to be adopted to Himself (the Creator of the universe) as His own children. How amazing is that?! Further in Ephesians, (2:10), Paul says we are His workmanship. The Greek word for “workmanship” is POIEMA, which gives us our English words poem and poetry. Paul says we are His poem, His work of art. Wow, if only we can get a glimpse of ourselves the way God sees us!
However, the core of all these scriptures I referred to above, have the same Name in common – Jesus. Either because of Him, in Him, or through Him. Not by our own works, our own effort, or even our own words or thoughts. But because of what Jesus did for us on the cross, those scriptures are our truth. Because of what God gave us, or did for us, when He looks at us now, He only sees Jesus (the perfect, flawless Lamb) standing between us and Himself. Thank you, Jesus!
Believers can therefore safely find their self-esteem and -worth not in something they’ve created, but in something they’ve already received. Undeservingly, purely from God’s grace and unconditional love for us. This also includes our special gifts and talents received from God. This revelation is so humbling, but oh, so GLORIOUS! We have the responsibility to receive and believe this Godly self-esteem. To soak in those truths regularly. Get your arsenal of scriptures on how God sees you in Jesus. Write them down, and stick them wherever you will see them throughout the day. Your bathroom mirror, your fridge, your car’s steering wheel, your computer screen, all over the place! I will give you a list of scriptures in the reference section, but feel free to study and explore the Word and find even more wonderful truths about yourself.
Now, I can’t conclude this article without an important warning: Your new Godly self-esteem was not given to you to gather, hoard and keep for yourself. 1 Pet 4:10-11 instructs us to use our gifts and talents to serve one another, to use them to expand the Kingdom, and to bring God the glory. I believe this instruction, and the assignment to love our neighbour as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31), is only possible and just so much easier, more effective, and more Godly if we can manage to truly love and accept ourselves first, the way God does. Self-loathing might just as well be the reason why we “bite and devour one another” instead – Gal 5:14-15. Oh, and by the way: there is also nothing spiritual or humble in playing yourself down. Marianne Williamson wrote in her poem, Our Deepest Fear: “Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.” Read the complete poem here, it’s worth it! When given a compliment and replying with words like: “I don’t have talents”, or “It was nothing”, “I’m not good at this or that” (when you are) is a false humility, and not giving God the glory He deserves. Just smile and say: “Thank you”. Why is that so hard for us to do??
For the believer, a positive self-esteem is therefore only the beginning. On our journey through life, we can’t park there, but need to share that image, love and acceptance to the world and others around us.
Embracing the Power of Self Esteem
If you realise after reading this article that your negative self-esteem is holding you back in life, Transformation Life coaching might be the answer for you. During the 20-hour virtual online Transformation Coaching System™ that I use, I can help you rebuild your current self-image with a technique called Bang Pattern. The opportunity to change your current self-esteem to a positive one is also one of the remedies for depression and anxiety.
Contact me TODAY for a free 30 min online Session!
I am a certified Transformation Life Coach operating in Riebeek Kasteel, Western Cape of South Africa. I also do virtual online life coaching sessions, so no matter where you are situated, all you need is an internet connection, a mobile phone or computer, and a space where you can meet with me uninterruptedly once a week for two hours.
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The next key #5/20 to personal empowerment (becoming the best version of yourself) is the POWER OF PRODUCTIVITY.
References: https://cmbankng.com/cmbank/2020/07/27/cmb-self-esteem-types/#:~:text=There%20are%20three%20(3)%20types,esteem%20and%20high%20self%2Desteem. ; https://www.healthline.com/health/13-self-love-habits-every-woman-needs-to-have#1.-Stop-comparing-yourself-to-others, https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/is-self-esteem-biblical/id1218049371?i=1000538621540, https://www.happierhuman.com/bible-verses-confidence/,
Ps 139: 13-14; Isa 40:31; Isa 41:10; Isa 43:4; Phil 1:6; Phil 4:13; 2Cor 12:9; 2Tim 1:7; Gal 2:20, Luke 12:7; 1Peter 2:9; Rom 8:37; Eph 1:4; Eph 2:10
